I'm Difficult To Handle

Okay, so I have recently discovered how difficult I really am to get along with. I really do try hard to be a little more easy to deal with but then when I'm trying really hard, someone or something pisses me off and that is it.

I don't choose to be like this or anything, in fact I have tried to change many times, but nobody ever cooporates. I can't do stuff on my own. I can't change on my own when no one else helps me with that change, in fact, it sometimes seems like they are just making it worse and literally impossible for me to change. When I'm changing for them.

I don't want them to have to deal with me going off on trantrums all the time, just like I don't want them to have to come home everyday and have me being in a mood with them for ages and cause arguments because something else previously pissed me off.

I don't want my children to grow up seeing the mom like that. I want them to grow up seeing their mom and dad happier than ever, and never arguing, just talking things over in order to sort things out.

I don't want to be like this anymore, but I can't do it on my own. It's like when you try to stop smoking, if you stop smoking and then your partner is smoking next to you, you get that urge to go out and have a cigar in your back garden. That's how this has worked for me, I will try stay calm and then someone does or says something that gets to me or makes me over think and I'm done, I'll just go off and argue with everyone for ages and yeah, it doesn't let me have many good days either.

I just want people to understand that I don't do it on purpose. The smallest things can get to me and if I get like that it's because I care, that is why those small things get to me. But I need help... That's all.