I love my boyfriend so much. In fact, i truly love him with all my heart and soul and everything else i have got. He means the absolute world and universe to me. I can't believe how lucky I have become, how lucky I am to have such an amazing person by my side. A person that loves me so much, that asks me to be his wife in the most romantic and perfect way possible. Someone who cares about me and takes care of me whenever I am feeling down or am ill.
He means the absolute universe to me. I am so lucky it is unbelievable. He makes me surprises when I am feeling down and even on my birthday and anniversaries, he never forgets and he also always remembers everything I like. He always knows how to make me smile without even having to spend a penny. And even when it comes to surprises, it doesn't take a lot to make me happy.
He is the man I am engaged to. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with, have children with, get married to, I want to be with him forever and always.
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
What I Want From Love
I understand that things can't always go the way you want them to go, but I have been there way too many times, I have had faith, belief, hope, everything and been paid back with nothing.
In life, I want trust, loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, all those things that make a human being secure instad of paranoid and anxious. All those things that make a human feel comfort, feel like they are cared for, wanted, needed, desired, but most of all, loved.
Love can have many definitions to many people. But to me, if I am in a relationship, I am loyal and faithful to that one person, I lie about nothing, I hide nothing, I tell them everything about my day and everything that worries me without them even having to insist on asking me 100 plus times. I do eveything to make that person happy, to avoid them feeling nagative things all the time... And maybe you can say I ask for too much, but I expect the same back.
If I get the same back then, I feel secure, I don't feel anxious all the time, I don't feel paranoid, I don't worry about certain things as much, I don't cause arguments as much. It's the way I work. I know people are different but I don't think what I just listed is too much to ask for... At least when I do it, they seem to like it and not have a negative feeling about it so what I do must be good, wish they did the same.
When I have a child, I want them to grow up in an environment where lies and hidden things don't exist. I want them to grow up in a house where everybody is happy. That's all.
In life, I want trust, loyalty, honesty, faithfulness, all those things that make a human being secure instad of paranoid and anxious. All those things that make a human feel comfort, feel like they are cared for, wanted, needed, desired, but most of all, loved.
Love can have many definitions to many people. But to me, if I am in a relationship, I am loyal and faithful to that one person, I lie about nothing, I hide nothing, I tell them everything about my day and everything that worries me without them even having to insist on asking me 100 plus times. I do eveything to make that person happy, to avoid them feeling nagative things all the time... And maybe you can say I ask for too much, but I expect the same back.
If I get the same back then, I feel secure, I don't feel anxious all the time, I don't feel paranoid, I don't worry about certain things as much, I don't cause arguments as much. It's the way I work. I know people are different but I don't think what I just listed is too much to ask for... At least when I do it, they seem to like it and not have a negative feeling about it so what I do must be good, wish they did the same.
When I have a child, I want them to grow up in an environment where lies and hidden things don't exist. I want them to grow up in a house where everybody is happy. That's all.
Going Away Again
Once again, I am going to get left behind for a weekend. Starting to get tired of spending a few days alone every few months, it's not cool, it never was.
It just keeps hurting me more and more each time he has to go away from me, it's hardly necessary all the time when people can come see him too, but he has no say in it. It hurts me more and more each time. I just wish things didn't have to be this way. I wish that whenever he goes away he could take me with him.
That would be amazing. We could still spend time together and he could still go see his family and everything. I have never stopped him seeing his family, I don't want to do that either, specially as I think it is important to keep in touch with family and visit them when possible. But thing is, none of them ever come to visit him, they only have once in the past year.
I think I just wish I could go with him sometime, or that he didn't have to keep going away. I hate having to dread days and days because of this, dreading a selection of days all the time even weeks before.
I'm just scared that I will have to wait until we live together just to stop having to keep going through this. It's like a routine now. We have a few months together with no mention of anything and then out of nowhere, his family decide when he has to go away and for how long and it's just so... draining. I'm sick of always getting left behind. To me, being with someone, also involves being a part of their family, and right now, I don't feel like I am and I don't know if I will ever be considered part of this family. I wish things could be different. I have never done anything for these things to happen, I don't understand why they keep making him go away from me. But I'm starting to see that things will be this way for a while, so I may as well keep my feelings about this to myself from now on and just pretend that it doesn't affect me when it really just kills me inside, maybe one day I will be able to get used to it. Wish I didn't have to.
It just keeps hurting me more and more each time he has to go away from me, it's hardly necessary all the time when people can come see him too, but he has no say in it. It hurts me more and more each time. I just wish things didn't have to be this way. I wish that whenever he goes away he could take me with him.
That would be amazing. We could still spend time together and he could still go see his family and everything. I have never stopped him seeing his family, I don't want to do that either, specially as I think it is important to keep in touch with family and visit them when possible. But thing is, none of them ever come to visit him, they only have once in the past year.
I think I just wish I could go with him sometime, or that he didn't have to keep going away. I hate having to dread days and days because of this, dreading a selection of days all the time even weeks before.
I'm just scared that I will have to wait until we live together just to stop having to keep going through this. It's like a routine now. We have a few months together with no mention of anything and then out of nowhere, his family decide when he has to go away and for how long and it's just so... draining. I'm sick of always getting left behind. To me, being with someone, also involves being a part of their family, and right now, I don't feel like I am and I don't know if I will ever be considered part of this family. I wish things could be different. I have never done anything for these things to happen, I don't understand why they keep making him go away from me. But I'm starting to see that things will be this way for a while, so I may as well keep my feelings about this to myself from now on and just pretend that it doesn't affect me when it really just kills me inside, maybe one day I will be able to get used to it. Wish I didn't have to.
Thursday, 19 June 2014
I'm Difficult To Handle
Okay, so I have recently discovered how difficult I really am to get along with. I really do try hard to be a little more easy to deal with but then when I'm trying really hard, someone or something pisses me off and that is it.
I don't choose to be like this or anything, in fact I have tried to change many times, but nobody ever cooporates. I can't do stuff on my own. I can't change on my own when no one else helps me with that change, in fact, it sometimes seems like they are just making it worse and literally impossible for me to change. When I'm changing for them.
I don't want them to have to deal with me going off on trantrums all the time, just like I don't want them to have to come home everyday and have me being in a mood with them for ages and cause arguments because something else previously pissed me off.
I don't want my children to grow up seeing the mom like that. I want them to grow up seeing their mom and dad happier than ever, and never arguing, just talking things over in order to sort things out.
I don't want to be like this anymore, but I can't do it on my own. It's like when you try to stop smoking, if you stop smoking and then your partner is smoking next to you, you get that urge to go out and have a cigar in your back garden. That's how this has worked for me, I will try stay calm and then someone does or says something that gets to me or makes me over think and I'm done, I'll just go off and argue with everyone for ages and yeah, it doesn't let me have many good days either.
I just want people to understand that I don't do it on purpose. The smallest things can get to me and if I get like that it's because I care, that is why those small things get to me. But I need help... That's all.
Saturday, 19 April 2014
Away- Saturday 19th April 2014
Today has been a pretty hard day for me. I have never dealt very well with distance... Especially when someone has to go away from me... Especially when that someone is the person I love, my boyfriend.
My anxiety disorder doesn't really help with anything, it never really does. Sometimes, I just wish I could get rid of my anxiety because it gets in the way of my everyday life. I know that if I didn't have anxiety, things would be a lot easier, I could teach myself how to cope with stuff a lot better. But I also know that if I didn't have anxiety, I would be a different person.
When it comes to this though, I love my boyfriend to pieces. I can't go a day without him. He goes away often with family to go see his aunty and cousins as they live 4 hours away near London so they don't really get to see each other much. I don't mind him seeing family. It's more of what the situation is. Before we got together, his family that live with him only planned for them all to go down to near London to see family two to three times a year. Thing is though, they have made plans and have gone away so many more times in the past 9 months. It really kind of hurts. I feel like I'm the reason they kind of keep making plans and dragging my boyfriend along with them.
But this time hurt more than any other time... They planned to go away on our anniversary. They went away today and today is our anniversary. That really pushed down into the wound. I respect family time. I respect the plans they make as a family but out of all the days, it seems pretty unfortunate that it had to be on our anniversary. But hey, I guess things can't always be how you want them to be. I know this will need happening until my boyfriend moves in with me. We need to get our apprenticeships first and gather enough money, that can take months or maybe even a whole year.
Each time is getting harder for me to cope with and I don't think I can cope another year of him constantly having to go away with family to see family without taking medication for my anxiety. I know it's not his fault, I have seen his family make plans for them all to go away and he doesn't really get much of a say in it. He just has to go. I respect that though. I just wish it didnt have to be so often.
I have lived here for 10 years. I haven't gone away even once to see family in 10 years, and I'm perfectly fine. They don't come to see me and I don't go to see them, I think that's a fair deal. I know that not all families are the same but for once in like, ever, I wish his family would just not make him go away so soon. My health kind of really needs a break and I would be pretty thankful.
But I love him so much. More than I ever thought I could possibly love someone and if being anxious, dealing with his family making him go away all the time is what I have to deal with then I will because I love him with all my heart and I will put up with the whole universe just for him.
My anxiety disorder doesn't really help with anything, it never really does. Sometimes, I just wish I could get rid of my anxiety because it gets in the way of my everyday life. I know that if I didn't have anxiety, things would be a lot easier, I could teach myself how to cope with stuff a lot better. But I also know that if I didn't have anxiety, I would be a different person.
When it comes to this though, I love my boyfriend to pieces. I can't go a day without him. He goes away often with family to go see his aunty and cousins as they live 4 hours away near London so they don't really get to see each other much. I don't mind him seeing family. It's more of what the situation is. Before we got together, his family that live with him only planned for them all to go down to near London to see family two to three times a year. Thing is though, they have made plans and have gone away so many more times in the past 9 months. It really kind of hurts. I feel like I'm the reason they kind of keep making plans and dragging my boyfriend along with them.
But this time hurt more than any other time... They planned to go away on our anniversary. They went away today and today is our anniversary. That really pushed down into the wound. I respect family time. I respect the plans they make as a family but out of all the days, it seems pretty unfortunate that it had to be on our anniversary. But hey, I guess things can't always be how you want them to be. I know this will need happening until my boyfriend moves in with me. We need to get our apprenticeships first and gather enough money, that can take months or maybe even a whole year.
Each time is getting harder for me to cope with and I don't think I can cope another year of him constantly having to go away with family to see family without taking medication for my anxiety. I know it's not his fault, I have seen his family make plans for them all to go away and he doesn't really get much of a say in it. He just has to go. I respect that though. I just wish it didnt have to be so often.
I have lived here for 10 years. I haven't gone away even once to see family in 10 years, and I'm perfectly fine. They don't come to see me and I don't go to see them, I think that's a fair deal. I know that not all families are the same but for once in like, ever, I wish his family would just not make him go away so soon. My health kind of really needs a break and I would be pretty thankful.
But I love him so much. More than I ever thought I could possibly love someone and if being anxious, dealing with his family making him go away all the time is what I have to deal with then I will because I love him with all my heart and I will put up with the whole universe just for him.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)